How to Talk About Guns

Tough discussions with friends and family around gun safety

When Bob Kristie’s daughter, Nell, would go to a friend’s house for a play date, there were three things he would always ask the other parent.

“I’d say, ‘Let me see your smoke detectors, your carbon monoxide detectors, and where your guns are stored,’” Kristie says.

Kristie, a retired Park Ridge police officer and former school resource officer, is no stranger to tough conversations. “I was pretty matter-of-fact about it. My top priority was making sure my daughter would be safe.”

For the rest of us, asking another parent about how they run their household can feel awkward and uncomfortable. But politeness and discomfort about gun storage must give way to making sure children, and even adults, aren’t put in dangerous circumstances when visiting other families’ homes.

Today, according to Be SMART, an organization that promotes safe gun storage, firearms are the leading cause of death among children in the United States. About 4.6 million children in the U.S. are living in a household with at least one loaded and unlocked gun. And the U.S. Secret Service estimates that 76% of school shooters get their gun from the home of a parent or close relative.

However, unlike asking if a child has a nut allergy or if they should bring their pair of swim trunks over for a play date, conversations about guns can end up politically charged.

Still, says Layla Danley, Illinois Chapter Lead of Be SMART, “You should definitely have the conversation.”

She says people should ask two basic questions: “Do you own any firearms? If so, how are they stored?” Or you can assume ownership and ask, “If you have any firearms in your home, can you please tell me how they’re stored?”

Knowing what to ask is the easy part. How to ask becomes trickier. Danley says there are several strategies to broach the topic. And practice makes perfect.

“You can lean into the awkwardness of it and say ‘I know this may be an awkward thing to ask, but I also know it’s really important…’, or you can try to sandwich the questions about gun storage in the thread of your text exchange while you’re asking other safety questions,” she says. “The texting approach can give the other parent time to think and respond to your question.”

Be SMART provides additional communication strategies on their website for parents to help with this difficult conversation.

Danley says that in her experience, many gun owners store their guns securely and recognize the potential dangers to children. In almost a decade of experience having these conversations, the vast majority have gone positively.

Should parents encounter another household that is unwilling to safely secure their firearms or share the details of how they store them, Kristie recommends that neither they nor their children enter the other family’s home.

“Owning a gun is a personal choice, but when you’re talking about kids playing around guns, that, to me, is non-negotiable,” Kristie says. “Guns need to be safely stored. If they’re not, you, as the parent, need to draw a line. It’s just not worth the risk.”